Optimistic or Foolish?

My grandma always seemed to be a "Negative Nancy"; I can still hear her saying things like "Ohhh, I've been better", or "Ohhh, I just don't know" when asked how she was doing.  After my grandpa would say something encouraging, something she thought was a little ridiculous or far fetched or even something funny she would always say "Ohhh Henry".  To this day we still joke about grandma always saying "Ohhh Henry".  From what I remember she seemed to have a knack for finding the negative in nearly any situation and times of trouble seemed more dramatic than times of celebration.  In fact when someone in our family is being pessimistic we often refer to them as Mary (my grandma).  Don't get me wrong, she was a fabulous woman - somehow she managed to run a family of 9 kids who are to this day close to each other.  Even if she wasn't feeling well or times were tough, she made sure that you knew she loved you.  She made sure that my brother and I knew she was proud of us.  I even remember her being sad any time we would leave the nursing home - I distinctly remember a tear running down her cheek a few times.  Her and grandpa seemed to balance each other out (after all they say that opposites attract, right?).  Grandpa always seemed to show more joy and excitement than grandma (maybe it was different when they were younger - but this is how I remember them).  I don't ever remember him yelling (although I'm sure my dad and aunts and uncles may beg to differ).  Any time we would visit grandpa always, always, always had the old green cookie jar stocked!  If he knew my brother and I were coming there almost always seemed to be fudge stripes in it...yum.  I was always optimistic about that jar having cookies in it, and I was rarely disappointed.  I definitely would describe grandma as the "glass half empty" type and grandpa as the "glass half full" type.

As I get older, I can't help but wonder - was grandma a pessimist or a realist?

Dictionary.com defines optimism as  "a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome".  We hear it all the time - "look on the bright side" - "be positive" - "think of the glass as half full".  Sounds like solid advice.  But unfortunately life isn't always full of rainbows, sunshine, glitter, and unicorns.  Can we be too optimistic?  I think so.

First, let me say that it's not a bad thing to be positive - I'm not saying that we shouldn't have optimism. But sometimes that optimism is not fulfilled - we are meant to fail, we are meant to mess up, we are meant to lose - those are some of the most valuable lessons in life.  The loses make the wins that much sweeter, the lows make the highs that much higher, the failures make the success so much better.  If we're optimistic about everything all the time it can make the failures, disappointment, and loses that much harder.  Can we be foolishly optimistic?

Let me give an example; I've had multiple students that do poorly in my class (all classes) but they don't struggle due to the material, they struggle because they are lazy/don't receive motivation at home.  I know what you're thinking, "It's your job to motivate them and inspire them to want to succeed in school and later in life." - but guess what, life isn't always like the movie Freedom Writers. Not all students want to succeed (and yes, not all teachers take time to know their students).  While it's a great movie it's also a very rare case - it doesn't mean that I care less about my students or that I don't want them to succeed, but I also have 4 preps, 90 students, and tons of state mandates to meet.  If you're a teacher you know what I mean, if you don't understand find a teacher you know and ask them about it - some students just don't want to learn but that doesn't mean I stop trying (you can lead a horse to water...).  However, I can think of one student in particular that I had many talks with about his lack of success in my class and lack of effort.  It seemed like nearly every other week I was talking to him about what he needed to do and reminding him about the steps he needed to complete to get where he wanted to go in life.  Every now and then it would seem like one of my talks really hit him.  He would begin turning in his homework and participating in class for a few days - I got excited, I was proud of him and thinking he finally understood and was finally starting to turn around.  Then he would stop.  I would be crushed!  I thought I had finally gotten through to him, he was making progress.  The hope that I had just gained shattered on the ground in a million pieces.  When time allowed we would have another talk, things would turn around for a little bit, I would gain hope, and it would come crashing down again.  It was a repetitive cycle.  He ended up failing the class.  I had him again the next year, we had a talk at the beginning of the year about how this year would be different, what he was going to do to succeed and how he was going to improve.  I was optimistic, he was turning in his homework, doing well on tests and labs, participating, not losing papers...for about a month.  At least I had that hope and optimism a little longer that time - but ultimately it was shattered. The cycle was back, a continuous cycle of optimism and hope, destroy, repeat.  He had a large project that would count for at least 1/2 his semester grade.  We had several talks about it.  I would ask him point blank if he was going to do to it and offer many times to help him with it - he always responded with "yeah, I'm going to do it".  A part of me knew better, but a larger part of me truly believed that he would do it - if for no other reason than to pass the class.  But he didn't...and he failed again.  I always had hope that he would continue do his homework or labs or projects and every time I was disappointed.  Was it foolish of me to be optimistic after having that optimism and hope destroyed time after time after time?  Optimistic or foolish?

Another example; I have a discussion with someone, then later an email with a question or clarification about that that topic was sent and I get a completely different story or answer than what we discussed.  It doesn't just happen once, or twice, or three times, it happens continually.  It happens when others communicate with this person too, it's not just me.  Sometimes one of us will get one response while someone else will get a completely different response about the exact same situation or topic.  Yet still, when they agree to do something or say they will check on something for me or they agree to help me with something I become optimistic that it will happen and they will follow through.  After all, they seem so genuine when they say it.  But often, it doesn't happen - something comes up or they deny that they agreed to it or sometimes they just flat out don't do it and find a way to blame someone else.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that things can unexpectedly come up and cause a change of plans, or circumstances may arise that cause a change situations; but nearly every time??  Yet still, the next time they promise to support a decision, back a plan of action, or provide help I regain optimism.  It's another vicious cycle - someone gives me their word, I gain optimism, their word is broken, I getting angry and frustrated, repeat. Is it foolish of me to believe that they will follow through on their word? Optimistic or foolish?

Is it foolish to continually be optimistic in situations where you have been continually let down?

Is it optimistic or foolish to believe in the good of all people or that all people are ultimately good?  Some days I think it's completely foolish and unrealistic and naive.  Maybe we should just look at the world as a glass half empty - then when bad things happen maybe we won't be so disappointed, but when good things happen we'll be surprised.  But other days I think we should be continually optimistic and hopeful, maybe we'd see more joy in the world that way.  Another definition from dictionary.com states that optimism is "the belief that good ultimately predominates over evil in the world" - doesn't that sound like such a great thought?!  Believing that good will always win, there is more good than evil.  It's a regular day fairy tale - the prince always captures the princess and the bad guy always suffers.  In today's world I find it hard to believe this all the time; I definitely can think of instances when it has been true, but the thought that good ultimately predominates evil?  There are days when that idea seems so far fetched.

No matter how many times someone disappoints us or crushes our optimism some part of us always wants to believe it will be different next time.  Ultimately it may be foolish to believe in the good of all people; and it may be foolish to believe that someone who has continually lied to me may tell the truth and follow through on their word even when I know how many times they haven't; and it may be foolish to hope that every time I collect homework the student who rarely does their homework will have it to turn in.  Yes, it probably is foolish; but what happens if I begin to lose all hope and lose that optimism?  I begin to constantly expect the worst.  I expect that person who lies to break their word every time which in turn makes me look that much more trying to find the lie and I begin to have trouble with trust.  If I lose all hope and all optimism then I give up on that student. It's also unrealistic to think that these situations will change overnight and that person will no longer lie or break their word and the student will always do their homework.

There seems to be a fine line between being optimistic and being foolish.  I think that ultimately we all want to believe that everyone has some good in them.  But believing that good will always shine from that person and expecting to see the good after continually seeing the not-so-good will only lead to disappointment.  That doesn't mean we have to give up on that person or stop caring about them, but we have to guard our hearts so they don't get continually crushed.  Some times I think my grandma was just  being real, not pessimistic.  Sometimes we need a reality check, sometimes when people ask how we are doing we need to respond with "Ohhh, I just don't know." because sometimes, we just don't know.  We don't always have to be optimistic about every situation in the world - that would be foolish.  Life's a balancing act...we have to balance between being optimistic and being foolishly optimistic.  We have to balance between optimism and reality.  Ultimately we have to guard our hearts but keep a door open to allow things like trust, love, and hope to enter with the understanding that occasionally those things will leave.

Lessons learned from grandma and grandpa:
Make sure that your cookie jar is always full because someone is optimistic about what's in it - try not to disappoint them; but remember that it's OK to provide some reality in life too, just do it with love.
..."Ohhh Henry"

Following to Lead: A Strong Connection

I figured I should probably explain why the blog is titled "Following to Lead".  It's something that's been in my mind quite a bit for a quite a while (specific time frames, I know).  Benjamin Franklin said "The only things certain in life are death and taxes".  Franklin was a pretty smart guy, way smarter than I, but I propose another certainty.  I propose that no matter what we do, there will be those we follow and those we lead.

Regardless how much of an "individual" someone is and regardless how much they say "I don't follow people, I make my own path" they still follow.  It may be true that they don't follow as closely, but I guarantee there is someone in their life that they look at and think "I want to do that", "I hope I can do that for others like they did".  There are characteristics that we admire in others, characteristics that we try to emulate, characteristics that we try to pick up.  Conversely, there are also those that we strive to not follow, those that show the traits we try to ensure we don't have.  Nonetheless, we all follow someone (or multiple someone's).  Who do you follow?  (Yes, the "Sunday School Answer" is Jesus, and that is a great example to follow, but think of someone currently living, someone in your life today).  It's not likely that there will be one person who you desire to emulate in every single characteristic.  For example, I have friends that are adventurous and care-free - I need more of that in my life.  I have family who love regardless of situation and extend love deeper than I've ever seen - I try to love like that.  I have colleagues who have strong relationships with nearly every student they teach - I strive to make those connections.  I look up to these individuals and I follow them; I learn from them; I connect with them; I rely on them.  What about you, who are you following?

Like it or not, we are all followed. No, I'm not talking about being followed by the government or spies or aliens or anything weird and creepy.  I'm talking about truly followed.  Even the kid in school that everyone picks on and puts down, the "weird kid" in class, the "bad one", or the "nerdy co-worker", everyone is followed.  There is someone who looks up to each one of us.  Whether it's a younger sibling/family member, a child, a friend, another "weird kid" or another "bad kid", there is someone who watches us and follows us.  Therefore, since we are followed, by proxy we are leaders.  It's up to us to decide what type of leader we are.  There are leaders that people admire, respect, and emulate; and there are leaders that people follow so they can do the opposite, for examples of what they should not do.  What examples are we setting?  Regardless what type of leader we are we will make mistakes.  Part of being a leader is how we react to those mistakes, and how we recover.  Do mistakes or stumbles keep us knocked down?  Make us angry?  Make us stronger?  Do we learn from them or repeat them?  Being a leader can be tough and can bring pressure.  But like it or not you are a leader and unless you go live in a hole by yourself, you can't change it. (Even then someone would know about and it'd be all over the news and someone else would want to try!). Whether we know when is following us or not, we are being followed.  The sooner we accept the fact that we are leaders and decide how we will lead the bigger the impact we can have.

So we all follow, and we all lead.  But there's a strong connection between the two.  They type of leaders we follow impacts the type of leader we become which determines the type of followers we get.  We follow people because we see something special in them and we strive to have that same special trait or characteristic.  By striving to have that characteristic, it will become a part of who we are as a leader.  Then, some individuals who see that in us will want to follow to us just like we followed our leaders.  Deciding who we follow is an important decision, the impact goes much deeper than just ourselves, it impacts those who we lead.

We follow to lead.  What do you want those looking up to and following you to learn, experience, and become?  Loving deeply, living extremely, or believing strongly; whatever it may be, seek that out in who you follow.  Who you follow determines who and how you lead.

The idea of following to lead is continually moving to the forefront of my thinking and decisions.  I strive to follow great leaders so that I may become a great leader for those who follow, and so they may be great leaders for their followers. It's an empowering concept think about. Whether you're frequently around children, adults, or the elderly the impact is the same.  Those that we lead will then become leaders and lead others; the impact we can have as a leader is quite extensive, and we may not even know how far it goes!  Just imagine what could happen if more people lived with the realization that who the follow determines who they lead!  (I don't want to have continually insecure, rude, disrespectful, irresponsible people following me and learning those traits from me, and I don't think anyone else does either....)  It can be a daunting, terrifying thought, with intense pressure, or  it can be a simple, easy, and enjoyable task; the choice is yours.

Living Intentionally

I want to live my life intentionally.  I want to worship intentionally.  I want to love intentionally.  I desire and strive to have an intentional relationship with God.    Do we go to worship simply because that's what we do on Sunday mornings?  Do we tell someone we love them out of habit? Do we comfort and hug friends who are struggling because we like to feel needed and we don't know what else to do?  What are our intentions behind these things?  It's not simply just about attending worship, telling those you're close with that you love them or comforting friends when they cry.

I'll admit that when I worship my heart isn't always there.  I don't always go in to it seeking to get something out of it.  Sometimes I'm unfocused. Sometimes I begin thinking of everything else I need to do.  Sometimes I sing the songs simply because they're projected on the screen or just because I know the words.  I long for every time of worship to begin with an open, clear, focused heart and mind. Sometime I wonder - How often do we go to worship with a completely open heart and mind?  Do we raise our hands because that is what everyone around us is doing or do we raise our hands in surrender to Him?  Are we there with a purpose or are we there so others can see us and check our name off the attendance?  What are our intentions in worship?

When someone says "I love you" to us, do we respond with intention, meaning, and feeling behind our "I love you too" - or do we say it out of habit?  Has it become an automatic reflex that we say without even thinking?  Do we intentionally love them back?  Do we take the time to show that love to them?  Is there purpose and meaning behind our response or is it simply words out of our mouth? Those three words should be reserved for special, meaningful, deep relationships.  I'm not referring only to romantic relationships - but all relationships in life - parents, siblings, friends, spouses, etc.  Society seems to throw these words around and they've lost meaning, there seems to be a confusion between the words "like" and "love". There are middle school students who have been dating for a week who say "I love you" to each other.  These words used to mean more than "you're cool".  Intentional love has meaning, it has a purpose, it holds value.

Intentional love means that no matter what dumb mistake they make, we will still be there for them.  No matter what choices they make, whether we agree with their choices or not, we won't give up on them and we won't leave them.  It means that times won't always be easy....there will be arguments and disagreements and struggles...but in return there will support and hugs, celebration and trust.   The point that society seems to have lost is that "like" can easily change - I used to like lemonade, now I cant stand to drink it.  Love doesn't change, it may grow stronger, but it doesn't change.  Gods love for me is real, it is intentional - it will not change.  Intentional, true, purposeful love does not just disappear one day, love is meant to only grow stronger.  Are we loving intentionally in relationships?

Intentional relationships require time.  We have to put in work and effort to gain results.  I want to have that intentional relationship with God. I don't want to "use Him and lose Him" by being intentional in my relationship with Him during struggles, but lose purpose when things are going well.  I want to be intentional about seeking Him, hanging out with Him and serving Him.  I don't simply want to do it because it's what I do.  

Sometimes I think we do things for so long that we forget why we started doing them in the first place and we begin doing them out of habit.  When I started leading the youth at church, I wanted to impact their lives, I wanted to be that person who could help guide them and let them find their way and shine their light and I wanted to be a positive example in their life.  I've only been doing it for 4 years, but there are times when I put together a lesson or a trip or an activity just because that's what we do.  Sometimes I forget to stop and take the time and think about if what I'm preparing is what they need, if there is a point to doing it, or why am I doing it.  We must remind ourselves why we have our relationship with God.  Take a second to think about communion.  In our church we take it once a month, the first Sunday of every month.  When we go up to take the communion, are we thinking about what that means or are we getting a snack because we're hungry?  Are we realizing what it symbolizes and taking time to think about what it truly means to accept communion? (Notice I said accept, it has been given to us, its not something we take, its a gift we accept).  What is it that started us on the path to a relationship with God?  Why do we pray to Him?  Do we have faith In our relationship with Him?  Why do we believe?  Why do we do what we do in our relationship with Him?

The word "intention" holds power and has the capability to change our entire way of thinking.  Why are we doing what we're doing?  Are we truly striving to be intentional about our actions, thoughts, words, and relationships?  Sometimes being intentional may mean watching less TV, spending less money, giving up "me" time, establishing boundaries, or even getting up 10 minutes earlier.  Being intentional requires us to make time and sacrifice some of our selfish desires....but the rewards will far outweigh the sacrifice.  When we're intentional or purposeful about these things they suddenly seem to have more meaning, more value, and we tend to take more care for them.  God is intentional about loving us.  It's time for us to wake up and start living life intentionally.